The secret (occasional) thoughts I have about leaving freelancing life

There are times I think about taking up staff job...

Given the advice I share on building a rewarding freelance life, and the general love I have for the freedom and flexibility of being my own boss, I might seem like someone who is charting a confident course on the Good Ship Freelance with no doubt in my mind about where I’m going.

It seems like time to admit something I’ve never written about. Which is that, very occasionally… *whisper it* I ponder becoming a staff writer again.

Let me explain.

The idle thought of “what would it be like to have a staff job again?” is mostly kept to myself, and the few times I waft this idea past friends they snort into their drink as if to say “You? staff? Pah!”. I don’t blame them. I rarely stayed anywhere long as a staff writer, generally twitching within months if not weeks at the constraints of the corporate straightjacket.

This photo will totally make sense at the end of this piece 😂...

I have these thoughts maybe only a couple of times a year, but I do have them so it seems wise - given I write about the art of freelance life - to analyse why this crops up.

I guess the first clue that I acknowledge that freelance life isn’t always a frolic in the park is that my Substack isn’t called The Joy of Freelance - that would feel like too much of a pollyanna approach to what can sometimes be an unstable, nerve-racking way of making a living. For the past couple of years, I’ve been examining aspects of being freelance in as honest a way as I can manage, chewing over both the good and the bad. And so I would never push someone to go freelance - that decision has to come from within - but once you’re on this side of the fence, I like to pop up with advice to balance the different sides to freelance life.

Perhaps it’s a sense that the global economy is less stable than a paper boat in a storm that makes me think about being cocooned within a big organisation. Knowing that even if my contributions to the team Zoom meetings were sometimes less than dazzling, I would still get a pay cheque at the end of the month.

Although having said that, I was also freelance in the giant economic crash of 2008 and I don’t remember feeling as stressed then. Perhaps my nervousness about the economy now relates to having a kid (that I didn’t have back in 2008) and so there is another baby bird to feed in the homestead.

If I am really honest, I suspect that part of the occasional temptation of staff life is that the hustle of freelance life can feel a little much when you’re about to turn 50 in 18 months’ time.

I used to hustle with gusto. I would hop on a cheap flight to Geneva, organise meetings at various UN agencies and made sure I went home with at least one science writing contract in my pocket. I would go up to scientists at conferences and figure out how I could pitch science stories based on their work. I would pay for myself to go to conferences and then sell enough stories from there to pay for my travel.

I’m telling you - I hustled like a pro. And I’m not saying that my hustling days are behind me, far from it. But when you’ve been go-go-go since 2005, there are moments when a comfy chair and a chocolate biscuit seem more appealing than metaphorically jazz-handing your way through a pitch.

Perhaps on a very basic level, like many of us, I have a “grass is greener” syndrome where it can feel like the uncertainty of freelance life could be washed away with a staff job. Where I could have colleagues to rely on, banter with, brainstorm with. Except even as soon as I think that, I know that staff positions can be taken away in an instance and that there other, just as terrifying, uncertainties in working for a corporation. And I know that unlike my trustworthy freelance tribe, friendships in a staff job can be punctured by jealousy at promotions, favouritism, or any number of things.

I guess what it really boils down to is that a couple of times a year, freelancing sucks and I think wistfully “ahhh to have a staff job” without really meaning it. In the same way that living in a city, dodging dog pee on the way to dropping my kid at school, can make me yearn for country living even though I know I’d be bored within a month if I had to drive just to get a pint of milk.

All of this is to say that if you ever feel like you might want to sack off freelancing and look for a staff job, you are not alone. I doubt there’s a freelancer around who hasn’t felt wobbly about their prospects from time to time. Maybe make a pros and cons list or even better, sit in a comfy chair with a hot drink and a biscuit (my answer to most troubles) and tap into what makes you feel good about freelancing and what you have loved about staff jobs.

In these instances, our hearts can be a truer steer than our heads.

And if, like me, the idea of really truly leaving freelance life makes you want to scream, Braveheart-style, “You will neverrr take ma freeeedomm!!!” then you’re doing something right.